There's nothing better than your entire blog about your pain in the ass kid deleting and not one fucking person can find it. So I'll start over and do my best to remember what in God's name I even wrote the first time. I'll keep it to just the delivery this time so I don't bore the shit out of you.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant I begged the Dr for a c-section. I had zero desire to destroy my vagina by birthing Bessie the cow. I wanted my va-jj to look like it was still 16 years old. Sadly she told me "We don't do those upon request." I chanted everyday and sure enough I got my wish.
My due date was June 23, 2011. Cash decided that he wasn't vacating the property on time so I had to be induced. I received a call from the PA at 2pm while I was getting my wig did, to see if I could come to Memorial Hospital instead of St Marys because they were in the process of switching. She said I didn't have to make the change, but the Dr and PA would both be at Memorial. Duh I'm going with the experts. So 3 hours later I arrived. The PA came into to check me and unknowingly broke my water. I labored for a few hours then I went for the epidural, I'm no hero. PS labor wasn't that bad. Some of you are just wimps. At 1030pm the Dr was called in and when she checked me she said "He is coming out neck/face first. I can feel his nose and eyebrow. If he doesn't turn you are going to have to have a c-section." "I'm fine with that! In fact lets not turn him, lets just leave him, take me to the dungeon and give me a scar to be proud of." She rolled her eyes and said"I know its fine Amber I know." Dr broke my water and suddenly Niagara Falls was in room 215. Apparently facial presentation, as its called, doesn't happen often so the Dr asked if some of the nurses could cop a feel. At that point I was spread eagle soaked in water why the fuck not let the nurses get educated. Every nurse on the floor fondled me. I think they even called nurses in from other floors to check it out. My mother asked the Dr if she could hold off just a little bit longer so he could be born on the 30th like me, my sister, my cousin and my father in law. Sure mom, why don't we just wait until July 4th so we could have a holiday baby.I should have known this child was going to destroy every last ounce of sanity I had left.
I remember crying for my mom, the Dr and PA talking girl talk about a guy and a lot of pressure. Once he was ripped from my womb and slapped on my chest, they took him up to be weighed. "Hurry up and call us we're dying to know how much he weighs." Never good to hear that. 9lbs 4oz 21 inches long with the best Mohawk Niagara Falls has ever seen. 9 MOTHER FUCKING POUNDS. I was supposed to push that out?! He would have left me with a hole the size of Texas!
The next day my mother and aunt had to wash my ass. I had at least 30 people in the room at once and all I wanted to do was cry. Thank you hormones. I was in so much pain I swore I would NEVER do that again. Little did I know in a few short days I would want to sell him on the black market. (Kidding mom)
No comments:
Post a Comment